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Its not you- it's me

Last year my mind was a wholly different place. It still wanted to please everyone at my detriment. It still wanted to put everyone first and it still felt the need to koutou to not hurt others perceived feelings.

 ("Kowtow" originated as a noun referring to the act of kneeling and touching one's head to the ground as a salute or act of worship to a revered authority. ... The word "kowtow" derives from Chinese "koutou," formed by combining the verb "kou" ("to knock") with the noun "tou" ("head").)

This year I made the active choice that wasn't going to be me anymore. Because I resented the way it made me feel. Because I am worth more than the way I was being treated and because I realized I AM IN CONTROL OF MY SHIP. I AM IN CONTROL OF MY FEELINGS.
I control what I let "set me off" and I can decide that it's just not going to set me off.
A particular event was the catalyst- someone who I thought v…
Recent posts

A crazy persons Saturday

STUDIO CAT! Tuco likes to be in charge of the musical selections while we work
What kinda crazy person gets up right before 4am on a SATURDAY...has 2 cups of coffee and decides the kitchen and bathroom need to be decluttered..... before breakfast? This kinda crazy person.  I then decided the momentum was ON and I handled up on folding all the laundry and putting it away. Defurring the "sofa" (its a scratched up hand me down love seat) and putting clean coverlets on it, fresh shams on the pillows and scrubbing down all the pet bowls. I'm not really sure if this is adulting or neurosis but I think it is the latter. A healthy yogurt bowl with flaxseed, chia, nuts and berries and a nice stretching session with my back implements and I'm sitting in the studio feeling kinda accomplished. Soon my gym will open and I'll be on my way to PROJECT NO CHEMO DAY 3! I think today will be more tidying up- I'm between projects and waiting on approvals and thats the BEST time…

Licensed to ILL

I don't know what this picture is from but it felt apropo for a blog about being ill...but still going.
My endo pains grabbed me this week after a 2 month run at freedom from it.
I think this is Day 3 or Day 4...so hopefully this episode is almost done.
Days with endo flare ups are weird and limbo days...you make no plans or cancel plans. You stick close to home...bed...bath. You usually wake up hurting... then it dissipates and you try to be somewhat productive but end up writhing in pain in bed anyway so sometimes you just stay there. Why the pretense that we're getting anything done? We aren't!
But I've been worse so I'm weathering it ok.
Pain can make you feel bitchy so I keep to myself and take my hurt out on innocent canvases that didn't meet my expectations. This particular one has been sitting here for half a year but "not quite there". So I took a catalyst wedge to it and some paint.
I like it much better but unsure if it needs something mor…

Breaking Down the Budget

Do I make it look easy? Because it isn't. There is someone out there who wont believe youre doing it on your own...even when you are and have been for a few years now. Nothing irks me more than someone dismissing my extremely hard labor, constant financial stress and neverending climbing, sacrificing ...and choosing to believe Im actually getting "help" from some magical source.
Absofuckinlutely untrue.
I have a debt to a friend who has chosen to be anonymous but its not extravagant and I have about $200 to pay down on a credit card thats used for emergencies. No MAN is funding my life or contributing to it, no family members have left me any kind of inheritance ever, no grants of any sort are in my possession and Im on no government help at all.

Its all me every month. My work usually gets me just enough to squeeze rent and bills out...lucky if there's supply money or anything extra. And I decided to see just how expensive it is to be me on a monthly basis and want…

Shake the flakes

New week! Ready to get it in the studio today! Last week was a bunch of socializing, visiting friends and "peopling" and now I'm back in the gopher hole doing my thang. This painting is steady on track and I should be able to finish it either today or tomorrow if I focus.
Today is my 10 year anniversary of my back injury- nothing to celebrate but duly note that IM STILL STANDING and should probably do some good stretching today. Most mornings it feels like I've been in a vice grip and my hips ache and fiery shooting pains go down my thighs. Its my new normal. I almost can't remember what pain free living was like anymore.
But that was the hand I was dealt in this card game and Im not leaving the table yet.
More working out and tightening up the diet this week.
Last week it seemed like the Universe wanted to put careless people in my path to try to make me react. Whether it was people I was supposed to be doing business with flaking out and giving my project to s…

First of the month

New month, new gameplans! 
Its the first of August and because I hustled extra hard in July I made rent and still have some pocket change to cruise into the new month-which doesn't always happen. So going into August full of gratitude and a mindset to work extra hard this month to keep momentum up.
I'm starting the day making a list of goals I want to hit this month. Adding new products to my shop is on that list -and Ive kicked it off with a new skateboard ❤ You can order this new baby from my THREADLESS shop: https://tigerbeearts.threadless.com/designs/jardine-zamora-skateboard
Theres new stuff in my Shopify shop as well and some SALE pieces. This piece just SOLD yesterday to a new collector. Super affordable! "Untouched Depths", original on canvas.
Today feels like a productive, creative day. Starting it off with painting and getting some prints matted. Its time to get a jump on the Fall, believe it or not and it would be nice to have some stuff ready for…

ooh LAZY BONES

Time enough for everything....even being lazy
I had high hopes for doing ALL THE THINGS this weekend. And it started out that way- I completed a pet portrait and got to the gym and...then everything kinda stopped. 😆 Sometimes this really bugs me because Im a high functioning PRODUCER and feel like something can and should be accomplished every day. But in actuality it is totally OK with the Universe if you just enjoy the art of nothing. In fact it's really probably healthy to just turn that button OFF and be a little potato for a day or two. So I did. There was napping and going to bed early and catching up on sleep and some television that I fell in and out of awareness of. Not even on opium- guess I just needed some ZZZZ's. My sleep at night gives me about 4-5 hours then Im usually up and active and might catch a nap or not. So I guess this weekend was me just catching up. But now it's Monday and I'm doing all the things I didn't do before the sun is even up- l…