Art Plunge

 I learned early on you don't always get what you want in life. You can circle as many things as you want on a Toys R Us Christmas mailer and get zero of those things. You can wish for a Lite Brite year after year and be 45 years old and still not have one. This is life. Not supposed to be fair. Not supposed to be used to just given things you want. As a result my life was dedicated to what needed to be done and who needed what. Not what I wanted or needed but everyone else. I didn't get the things I wanted so I just thought that's how it was. Everyone else deserved the things. Not me.  I would need new shoes yet buy shoes for others. New jackets for them, worn out spray paint hoodies for me. Treat others to delicious restaurants, find bollweevils in my box of rice at home. Make big holiday meals for the family when I was tired and not feeling festive... and put on my best Pollyanna positive face to serve it and kinda cry inside that the responsibility was always on me to m...

  New one in progress Of late I am relishing in the extreme amount of I DONT CARE- ness I feel toward social media social climbing. I don't have giant numbers of "followers". And I don't care. I don't have my ego distorted on the daily as a benefit. The digital world is a whole lot of mirage. And in the art "scene"- a whole lot of silly nothing that goes absolutely nowhere. Case in point... My art has been published- went nowhere. I've been on TV- whoopty whoop- went nowhere. Show in New York- went nowhere. Interviewed and written about- went nowhere. Shown in some top galleries- went nowhere. Been in some of the best curated shows- went nowhere. So a bunch of likes and such on the interwebs- I SHRUG.  None of that matters. Truly connecting, organically ( not buying followers and bots) with real people is going to win out all the time. Whether they buy your work or not ( hopefully they do)- it was REAL ... And in this current world of the Uber fake t...

Finally had a few days to decompress from the State Fair and try to recover. What I thought were allergies... Sinus infection. 🤧 Can we say- FUN?!  NOT. SNOT. Half the stuff from the Fair is still in the car. That's how exhausted I was from a month long ordeal of being a "seller", fighting illness and combating endo that was trying to creep up on me. All while juggling a part time job and trying to keep everything stocked and printed and matted and ordered and stuff shipped out. It kicked my butt proper but it was necessary. I'm now back in the "zone" to create and focus on my business... Which was kinda limping around for awhile honestly.  I've got so many ideas and projects in the works it's not funny. I really can't wait for sinus fun to be evicted from my head so I can start it up. Today I return to part time job with my trusty bottle of DayQuil and get back to the grind of life. Bad health stuff has creeped into my friends lives as well and...

  Appropriate to my mood I guess it's appropriate to be full on in the gloomy mood of Sorrow- as I work daily with Death in the Dia de Los Muertos exhibition.  My hand paints skulls, death grins and the life that springs forth from it. Death is never just death and the absence of life. It is very much alive in many ways. My recent blogs may seem like absolute bummers and they are- to an extent- but know that I have a healthy relationship with death, depression and healing. There is something comforting in knowing that you are feeling.... And feeling deeply. It's a very amazing gift of being human, although it hurts. How very magical! There are times in life where the trauma makes you feel nothing. I remember having no joy in life for anything and feeling like I was on autopilot as a human. Go to work, act normal, nothing made me happy, nothing made me sad. A complete flatline of feelings. Not a real human. I hated it.  All that was after a trauma of a bad breakup once upo...

  Remember to stop and smell the hibiscus... It's Friday and it's been a weird week of pushing emotions to the back burner and front burner all whilst trying to go to work and put on my "public face". Try talking, fielding questions and smiling all day... when all you want to do is lay in a ball all alone in a quiet room and release the floodgate of tears inside you ... It's very exhausting to the spirit.  Today I woke up a little more peaceful about things and am feeling a little more positive.  It helps to think of each death that occurs in our lives as a little seed or cutting- that gets planted in a special garden in our soul. That person now grows in that garden always, it hurts and is hard at first but nurturing it and tending to it helps it grow into a beautiful thing inside you. Forever safe now, no more pain, disease, illness, age... Forever vibrant and safe.  I may sound like a hippie but this is my coping mechanism. I have lots of little spirit plants i...

Oh you know, just having an existential meltdown this week for some reason. Some latent leftover trauma from death and a mind trip to being a teen all over again. I thought this was totally abnormal... But after a few Google searches and enlightening articles I see it is perfectly sane to feel the way I am feeling about a sudden loss of someone I hadn't been connected to for 30 years.  Perfectly normal albeit sad. I'm letting myself be sad and watching all the zen talks on sitting with your grief and emotions. It helps a bit. I know time is going to have to fix this. I'm mourning a lot of things, not just my first romance. Why it is deciding to manifest now? Who knows but there's lots of tears. Lots. I didn't even bother with eyeliner today and there's definitely been tears.  Death as usual is a slap in the face to how you're living and I haven't exactly felt connected to the things I want to be connected to. Roberts death brought that home for me. I fee...

Somehow I managed to take the news well when it came. Oh no!  Him!? I hadn't thought of him in ages. We had parted ways ...what, 30 years ago? It was sad news, my very first boyfriend has passed after a long painful battle with MS... and I immediately regretted not staying in touch but I swallowed the news and put on my "public face" and soldiered through the day. I pushed the news into my back pocket and sat at the Fair, chatting with people and doing business. That night, however, the information came crawling out of my back pocket and planted itself square on my chest. That sorrow. That heaviness. I could see Roberts face as clearly as if I had just talked to him. I hadn't actually seen him in decades though. He had a brilliant funny smile that made him always look as if something sarcastic was about to be said. He looked like he knew a hundred amusing things you did not. His eyes forever mischievous.  I can see him laughing and talking and hear his voice perfectly...

  A whole year free of the horrors of endometriosis?! What an amazing year it was! Like winning the lotto!  I was able to hold down a job and get stuff done. Enjoy normal day to day activities like living and holding down my food. Just being able to exist without feeling like I was being bludgeoned to death with a cruel instrument.... It was sheer delight. I lived it up. I moved my body, worked hard, skateboarded, went kayaking, hiking and loved hard. Every beautiful shiny day pain free was shimmering  baby unicorn magic stuff!  But it all came crashing down as the grim harbinger of death pain came back from wherever it was vacationing. Knock knock knock upon my uterus, ovaries, digestive tract. Go away. Knock, knock, stab. Stab, stab, stab... After suffering about 2 decades with this thing I realized what I was in for. Days of excruciating pain where the very nerve endings in your internal organs feel like they are being put through their own personal murder. Murder...

  I've given myself a couple new mantras since I returned from vacation.  One is: Pizza vs Plane tickets Which essentially means.... Yeah you could order pizza (or any food, or go out to eat) or you could save yourself that money and put it towards a plane ticket/vacation. You saved yourself carbs, calories and usually $20 and upwards. The other mantra is : Don't lose the gains Did I not conquer 12 miles in one day? Did I not turn myself into a walking machine? Was I not killing those hills left and right? Don't lose the gains. Keep the momentum going. Put in the work. You achieved new levels now keep them! And last but not least: Don't lose the vibe! It's as easy as it sounds- you came back recharged, excited about life and creative projects again, you finally got a reward for all your hard work... Don't lose that feeling. Stay with it and make it happen again. Crush your goals and live your best life. Don't lose the vibe you are riding, don't let the w...

 For Paul, my poet friend... Pitcher of Sorrow  As I grow older I've found myself  Filling up a pitcher of Sorrow My tears don't come instantly like they used to. They wait for the right Tomorrow. A few will pass...  and the pitcher grows full With each one, another ounce closer to the brim Overflowing and ready to pour  Will it be her or that or him? I let the pitcher of Sorrow flow steady  Ready to pour When it is ready. An even stream of all it has collected,  fermented A good tearful salty pitcher  not for drinking... A cheers to a life cemented.  You were the one who reached the brim, I pour the pitcher of Sorrow now for the ones collected within You set them all free. A steady, liquid pour  The pitcher couldn't hold any more.

  Work=Pay  The pandemic has given me many gifts. Aside from a heightened sense of my health and time ... It's given me a "F a bunch of that noise" attitude. Believe me, it's a good thing. Any artist knows we get looked at like low man on the totem pole A LOT. Least paid, expected to work for free and a whole lot of other noise. While "designers" are living the high life in their paid for homes- us artists who did the labor to actually MAKE THE ART HAPPEN are struggling to pay rent and bills. My dance with Covid gave me serious NOT HAPPENING vibes when I feel that is trying to creep into my life. I have set my worth and my limbo stick and "how low can you go"- it's not that low any more. Hope everyone is having an empowered time and using these life lessons well.  Let's start appreciating the ones who walk the walk not just talk the talk.  💪

I like to blog ever so often to just document where my brain is at -at certain times in my life. We are in the thick of July and yesterday I did something I've been needing to do for a long time. Years, even. I booked tickets to get the hell out of here for almost two weeks. I'm going to the Bay where I usually go and always love to go. I'm super excited to see my sister and friends there. And I love having something on the calendar to look forward to. A friend mentioned "but yer job!" ... And it reminded me of an old mindset I used to carry. Being worried and stressed out about asking for time off from jobs who delighted in saying no and making your life hell for even asking (even if you had vacation time/pay). Feeling guilty about this or that in relation to your vacation, etc. THATS NOT ME ANYMORE and I had to retrain my brain to accept this new fact- IM THE BOSS OF ME and I don't apologize for living my life and making healthy decisions for myself. I'm...

  Current state of my life: quietly growing Haven't blogged in forever. Just busy living life and catching up on work, growing a garden and getting back into the swing of things. Finally did a DJ set and saw friends in real life. It's Summer now and work is steady. I do not miss a lot of stressful stuff that was going on pre-pandemic and am glad to be free from a lot of that. As weird as it sounds- pandemic helped me kick a lot of stupid out of my life  One thing that's changed is I'm taking my business more seriously and will be more focused on growing some things. I'll keep you in the loop when I launch it. 🌞  I feel very comfortable protecting my time and saying no to things and also to just not caring when I feel someone trying to push my buttons. The puppet strings are officially gone. Can't yank em anymore. I feel so liberated these days!  Happy with me right now and working on myself. Hope you guys are having a wonderful summer! 😘

  Facebook took notes away quite awhile back. No biggie but it's where I used to explain things... Like my current situation of being so damn busy it's making me anxious. Or how I've had to postpone two art show on the calendar because I just don't have my world together yet.  Busy is good. Making rent and bills is good. Now to find time to paint, still continue bass guitar, still stay in touch with family and friends and not be a flake to the people who care about me. Not be a flake to myself, foremost. I'll most likely be picking up more work in the not too distant. I'm in "stack the cash mode" and also plan for a vacation mode. I'm at least giving myself a little break at some point this summer. Got a decor mural booked on Monday and some freelance work floating around that needs to be tended to. I've slacked on my business and website. I haven't pimped out my wares in months. I stopped caring about chasing the business. I'm feeling ...

  Back in the studio painting. It really should not be taking me this long to finish this painting. Life has been stupid complicated and I am trying to find a balance with all things. Health stuff is weird and I have had some depression. I got knocked out of my healthy routine and took on a lot of stuff. Add into all of that- there's a new kitten in the house! Angus is the newest addition to the house and Tuco is happy to have a partner in crime finally. Chaos would be a good word for my current life. I'm trying to look at the positives and those would be: I'm painting again, I have work, I'm playing bass again and learning new things, I got my taxes done and I'm alive. If I can get all things going full swing I'll be a happier camper. I've admittedly fallen off the wagon of social media hustling and you know what? I love it. I feel sorry for artists who have to constantly make videos and "content" to stay relevant and build "followers". ...

Bass lessons are coming along and I'm feeling the old frustrations of songwriting again. Ah familiar headache! I'm also feeling a newfound freedom that my hands are better  than they ever have been on the strings. My pinky, which was almost dormant, now stretches and holds strings down like a champ. Making a useless appendage very useful makes me giddy!  Another newfound freedom- just taking one on one time with my bass. No band. No outside forces, no pressure, no gigs, nowhere to be. Virtual bass lessons are the only thing holding me accountable right now. I'm learning a lot from Joe Lally and he has no idea how much he has made a difference in my practice already. I've been steady digging into old favorites and really listening to song structures. I've been asked to jam with a handful of people and I'm politely declining at the moment. I need this solitary time to waltz with my bass, scales, lessons and thoughts.  I'm actually ill with something I'm no...

Work in progress! I'm in the middle of a commission and it feels good to be painting again and to look around and see progress.  I'm learning how to structure my time again and get my stamina back up. And it feels nice to see new projects waiting for completion when I look around. New small work awaits... Today it's back to the grindstone of part time work for the week. My heart is really in the garden right now though, if I must be honest. New babies are springing up... Like strawberries and baby tomatoes. Strawberry plant! Baby tomatoes! The herbs are slowly but surely coming in and the collards are fat and leafy already. I even saw the beginnings of my potato sprout happening yesterday and am excited to see if the grow bags work well for them. I've got garden fever! 🤣 It's my plan to spend as much time outside this season as possible! I have fallen off the social art map and media hustle and it is damn wonderful. Declining all things and just being. Working in t...

I've become painfully aware of time since the pandemic started. Not that I was unaware of it before. After the shell shock of everything wore away I realized it was time to pick up the reins to my life and actually drive a path. Not just meander and hope the winds would blow me where I wanted to go. And not let a lot of unhappy circumstances remain unchanged. I made a lot of changes, some of which I won't go into.  But the ones I will:  I started Metabolic Renewal again and am well on my way to crying about how sore my body is as I transform into a fitter, healthier version of myself. I started playing bass again and actually properly training my fingers and am in the process of writing again. I started painting back up. I started business back up. Commissions and art shows and letting creativity fly from my fingers once again. Work in progress Gardening- a joy I could never indulge in much because I had no yard of my own...I now get to find therapy in. Sunshine and soil and l...

                Proof I still play with paintbrushes! Trying to mentally get back into the swing of things and ART is on my mind. It has, admittedly, been some time since I've painted anything for myself and the urge is growing. I'm also splitting my time with the bass guitar and also in the middle of an art studio upheaval and trying to get things sorted out so I can sit down to paint. I actually have a potential commission for some work so I need to get sorted quickly! Working on a friend's album art insert this week and planning new work in my brain.  Work at the part time is still fun and I'm learning some new faux finishing techniques like painting wood to mimic crema marfil marble. I'll post the finished piece next week. It's busy and interesting times in my life right now! The little feral is still hanging out with me as I try to find it a proper home while petting it and loving it as much as I can. It now tolerates pets and purrs loud...

The great Snowpocalypse of 2021! I know, Texans are babies in the snow. And in particular Dallasites. Michigan peeps can laugh at us freaking out over here...but we are also not equipped to deal with this white stuff falling on our cactuses. Case in point- power is out for way too many people as rolling blackouts have been put into place or just plain outages. I have been one of the lucky few to be spared so far. But I also have a dread it's coming for me soon...so when I woke up at 2 am I just went ahead and made coffee. No telling if power is going out or when.  Internet goes in and out and I've done all the things to minimize my use.  Rounded up all the things I might need in case it goes out and remembered this cool birthday present my mom got me last year. A lantern! Bright and battery powered. I love it! I even have an old school percolator I can put on my mini grill out on the porch if power goes out and I need to cook/ heat stuff up. I'm also fortunate enough to hav...

The weather has turned stupid cold in Dallas and I am ready for Spring. Too much fun to be had outside and this cold just kills that. It is what it is though and it is what we have right now.  Hoping all the plants in the new garden will be ok as we get through another freeze. I'm looking forward to sunshine days, skateboard time and warmer temps! Yesterday's bass lesson with Joe Lally I'm on my third Skype bass lesson with Joe Lally and already there's a noticeable change in my playing. It's amazing how just taking a little time and putting the effort in has made such a difference.  My hand is getting stronger and the acrobatic feat of stretching my tiny pinky and reaching and holding strings is vastly improved. Probably one of the best investments in myself during this whole pandemic has been this. Haven't turned on Netflix once or binge watched anything. My goal was to come out of all this stronger, smarter and more skilled than ever. My homework assignment n...

               The importance of fire in your day Been awhile so thought I'd update on absolutely nothing at all. Wrapped up some commissions that were hanging around and have been enjoying my bass practice sessions and lessons. I'm getting better and my fingers are starting to work the way they are supposed to. It's important to have fire in your day, fire for something. A passion.  Joe Lally has been a great teacher and motivator. I already feel 10 times better than I was and new rhythms are coming naturally to me now. I'm psyched about it! Lots of stuff going on in my life and trying to weather it all and stay balanced. What's new? Aren't we all just trying to stay balanced? Another thing I'm putting some time into...new garden! Happy to get my hands in the dirt again and make things grow 🌱☺️ Already got collard greens, onions, garlic and an assortment of herbs going. Spending time outside on the good weather days is so good for the soul....

        Sukha in front of my painting she collected  My friend James posted this photo of Sukha in front of my painting and I loved everything about it. I also loved the little arrow that pointed at my heart and pinged it softly...the ping pang's of missing painting. I'm currently in "commission" mode and doing stuff for other people while doing a part time job and trying to stay on top of bass lessons. My inner self is in turmoil a bit and I'm trying to navigate everything. I would love to work on a painting so will try to make some ideas come alive soon on that front. This blog isn't really about anything but wanting more time for art. It's hard when you have so many interests and obligations to others to get on the stick sometimes. In the meantime we can admire the lovely Sukha who makes time for art appreciation. 🐈🐾  

  Yesterday started off well enough. I woke up alive. So far so good. Got up and walked to the bathroom. All systems fine. Walked into kitchen to make coffee. I had no sooner reached the counter when ZAAAAAPPPPP! A LIGHTNING BOLT OF WHATHEFUCKNESS hit my spine and caused the whole middle/upper portion of my back to seize up. This is what we call "throwing out your back" and it's a super power you achieve if you're blessed with a bad back/injury/pissed off a god somewhere, etc. What follows is a stream of expletives, a scan of any recent things you may done to piss off a god, a brief suspicion of which god you pissed off and an acceptance that whatever plans you had for the day just got shot to hell. I felt glad it was upper middle Earth that got bolted and not lower back. Lower back means you can't walk or stand up straight and you are now Igor so go lay down. Middle upper means you can still walk like a robot leaving a car wreck and don't even think about tur...

My little Ashdown has been quiet for years. It's VU meter sitting dim through the ages. Yesterday I lit it up and it was the warm yellow glow of every teenage late night bedroom, when your ears are new and the song popping and crackling on your record player is exciting fire. I had my first bass lesson with Joe Lally yesterday. If you know, then you know. He's kind of a big deal to me. I think I've been listening to him for over half my life. Wait, rewind that part...when his bass kicks in and you have the volume cranked to "Vibrate My Bones" level. What is he doing there? Wow! Rewind again. It was and is like that. So I was super thrilled I got the opportunity to engage in lessons with him. I know my weaknesses and what needs work. I know all the bad habits I developed with my DIY FUCK IT AND JUST PLAY style. Which, by the way...is a great way to be. But I'm at a point in my life where I want to learn, learn, learn and grow. I want to know all about what I...

I've been lucky to be up and about early most mornings and able to see the sky change it's wardrobe from inky blues to glorious pinks and oranges. I'm going to try to catch more sunsets just as a personal goal as well.  I feel like it's the dawning of a new era as I work to free myself from things that don't serve me anymore. I decided yesterday to cut ties with a lot of things that profit off my labor, ideas, struggle and work and just try to make a go of these things on my own. It's eye opening to see how little I make off print on demand stuff like Society 6 and some other third party entities and how much they take in...off my own supporters and fans I cultivated.  So done with that! Look for a new and improved relaunch of everything this year as I work to put the product you love into my own Shopify and fully reap the rewards of my labor. I'm getting all my creative licenses back from stuff that's not serving me anymore.  It's a lot of work but ...

  A picture speaks a thousand words... Since my little Covid crisis I've been on a mission to connect with life, joy and the things that make me complete. So it was back to playing my bass which I used to do over ten years ago. I used to play in bands and gig and all that fun stuff. Some people only knew me as that girl. I stopped playing when my Dad passed away and I picked up painting again- which is what I went to school for. So other people only know me as THAT girl. But in truth I am both girls and am trying to embrace and find balance with both arts. Music is as much my soul as painting. So I was pretty excited to find out one of my biggest bass heroes was offering online lessons and decided that even though I do not have a lot of money- it is worth investing in myself for such an experience. It's a no brainer. When do you get direct wisdom from the sensei? I'm over the moon! So without name dropping...yeah I'm about to do that. Super psyched to get my skills up a...