Dysfunction junction!

Oh you know, just having an existential meltdown this week for some reason. Some latent leftover trauma from death and a mind trip to being a teen all over again. I thought this was totally abnormal... But after a few Google searches and enlightening articles I see it is perfectly sane to feel the way I am feeling about a sudden loss of someone I hadn't been connected to for 30 years. 

Perfectly normal albeit sad. I'm letting myself be sad and watching all the zen talks on sitting with your grief and emotions. It helps a bit. I know time is going to have to fix this. I'm mourning a lot of things, not just my first romance. Why it is deciding to manifest now? Who knows but there's lots of tears. Lots. I didn't even bother with eyeliner today and there's definitely been tears. 

Death as usual is a slap in the face to how you're living and I haven't exactly felt connected to the things I want to be connected to. Roberts death brought that home for me. I feel like a terrible friend most of the time to most of my friends. So wrapped up in the struggle to make ends meet I don't stop to write a note. I've felt disconnected from myself, my art, my family and my Dad... Who I always made it a point to stay connected to through my art.

So not feeling connected to a friend who could've used a friend... a lot of guilt and trauma to work through. It's just this way and there's nothing to do but face it and try to be present again.

My brain is totally not in the "game", I can't wait for the Fair to be gone so I can resume life and try to work at being a better me. My true feelings, now you know. I feel old and I feel 14 all at once. And all at once life just feels so heavy today.