Cue Dream Sequence...

September 17, 2009 

"This is gonna be me in a bit" - Patricia Rodriguez

This is another installment of ART PLUNGING- HOW TO DO IT. I thought it appropriate to give you some background on why I took the art plunge in the first place and go back down memory lane a bit to show you that I know where you're at, what you're feeling and wishing for because that was me.

Apparently on September 17, 2009 I posted this picture on Facebook and was about to go in for an open air MRI. Why? Because the damn job I was at broke my back. At this point I was on Workers Comp -which if you've ever had the pleasure know it is one of the most difficult NIGHTMARES of your life at a time when you don't need that kind of extra stress on your fragile self. But I digress. In a nutshell- MISERY. I could barely walk, couldn't lift, had to pull myself up using the walls or whatever was near. There was no comfortable position to lay in because your back which is the control center for EVERYTHING is injured, a link in my chain was damaged and now the whole thing was useless. Sitting? painful. Sitting made things worse. Standing for more than  a  few minutes- horrible. So basically there is no human position you can assume that provides relief and you are doing exercises daily to try to strengthen yourself so that someday you can maybe feel human again. Depression of the highest degree? CHECK. Because added to all that is the fact that you...artist...can't freaking work on what makes you happy. Your art.

I looked to Frida Kahlo

It helped remembering someone that made her art no matter what. I fought through the pain and tried to sit and work on things. I decided that even if it was for  5 or 10 minutes a day it was SOMETHING and that eventually it would get finished. I started on something small and manageable, I cut up little bits of newspaper and began a paper collage painting

It took forever to finish but I had to feel my hand drawing, painting every day for therapy. 

After painful sessions sitting I tried to curl in a ball and rest. Everything hurt. I had sciatica and was prescribed vicodin. I couldn't handle the pain or the pain pills. I didn't want to feel like a zombie on top of feeling pain and sadness. I had been given a look at my mortality as a fragile twig on this planet. I was not invincible. I was breakable. I no longer felt like a human and hid away from all my friends. I drank wine and listened to music. Wine at least put me in a happy fog where vicodin just made me stare at walls wanting to paint so badly but unable to.

 When I had done enough therapy to be able to walk long enough and stand long enough I strapped on my back brace and returned to work. I was met with a hostile environment. Apparently my "boss" (who had been out to get rid of me from the minute her kitten heels walked through the door) decided to spread gossip around the work place about how I wasn't really injured. Coworkers made remarks. My boss and supervisor picked on me daily. They hated that I wasn't working full days and was on light duty. I was now considered a liability and they wanted me gone. Every day was a new insult, tactic to make my life hell. I was still very much in injury mode but trying to troop through it. It was at this point in my life I decided I HAD to make a change. Living in misery day after day and being exposed to such toxic and cruel people was not the way anyone should live.

So I took a pen and a little slip of paper and wrote down how much I had in my bank account. I then made a list of all my bills, prescriptions, grocery costs and expenditures. I worked over my budget all week. What could I do without? Can I handle living like a pauper? What if I never find another job? What if this is a mistake? At this point I had fallen back into talking myself out of it again. I had to remember THIS WAS NOT A STABLE ENVIRONMENT. I also told myself I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. So every day it was my happy little moment to add X amount into my savings every day. I did it every day just to feel that at the end of getting through another horrible day in hell I was putting another rung on my ladder to get the hell out of there.  I had my budget and decided the magic number for me was $5, 000. That would be plenty for me to live on for a couple of months while I tried to work on my art, sell it and then find something else. I was fully prepared to find another dead end job if I had to. Somewhere I still have a little tally sheet I was keeping, every day at work I would take it out and much like GOLEM think about it as my Precious, my ticket to freedom. I was focused on this goal. Saving. Watching my pile of gold grow. In the meantime I thought about my business. What was I going to do? I had a small shop on ETSY and had done ok selling a few handmade boxes here and there. At this point I had also sold a couple of records also. Nothing to live on forever but just enough to give me hope- PEOPLE OUT THERE WANT MY STUFF. I knew I was about to jump into the world of hustling. Art and craft fairs. Shipping stuff out and maintaining stock. I ordered gridwall to display art on for the future art/craft fairs. I ordered cardboard record boxes for all the records I was going to sell and ship. I was VISUALIZING my thriving business and preparing for it. All this while I was working in hell. It made me feel good to be proactive towards my own happy future. It's all that kept me going. I made business cards and started thinking about designs and prices. My mind was working overtime because it had to.

Now this is all a lot of information to take in but to condense it...I USED THE BULLSHIT AND CRAP THAT WAS BEING THROWN AT ME FOR POSITIVE CHANGE. Pardon my French.

Once you make up your mind and focus you can start taking steps toward your goal. Focus is key. Every day. Telling yourself you are getting closer and taking action to get closer. I also did what a lot of people do, browsed blogs looking up "how to quit your dayjob and live the life you want!" it all ended up "BUY MY BOOK! PAY FOR MY WEB SEMINAR! YOU TOO CAN LIVE YOUR DREAMS!" Whoopty whoopty BULLSHIT. Yes you too can write an awesome self help book telling people what they want to hear and make lots of money! I'm giving you the straight dope- those books just talk about how awesome working for yourself is. They don't really GET YOU THERE. (I have a copy of the 4 Hour Work Week that only got a few chapters read. GROAN!)So this was only part TWO of getting there and the lesson here is USE YOUR BAD SITUATION AS FUEL. FIND YOUR MAGIC GOAL NUMBER AND MAKE A GOAL. YOU DON'T GET ANYWHERE IF YOU DON'T PICK A DIRECTION.

Until next time....chin up!

Birthday party for me thrown by the dear friends who had my back (literally!) My first time seeing all my friends in a long time. I had gained weight because I couldn't run, exercise and my hair was a mess because I was afraid sitting in a salon chair would be too painful and I couldn't stand it. But I had friends dammit and cake!