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The Shift

Im not sure what the pivotal moment was that I made "the shift", but it happened. It was a long time coming and long overdue. I began realizing the way I "talked to myself"...not in the crazy person sense (actually talking to yourself is pretty normal 😂) ...but in the way I downgraded my abilities and worth. Always to please others and stay in good graces even though it hurt me financially and emotionally. I would say "yes" to the cheapest price, "yes" to the work even though it really didn't serve me but would stress me out and overwhelm me. When my inner voice protested I told it to shut up- that at all costs we must bend over backwards for everyone.
I soon found myself in a joyless cycle of work that barely paid, handing over paintings I barely laid eyes on and sliding the money directly over to my landlord without even seeing it or enjoying it. Autopilot. Nothing nice for me. Out of soap and shampoo? Oh well. Luxury items. Glad to pay the rent, no doubt- but joyless and knowing I shortchanged myself.
Doing work that disappeared without compensation. Realizing that if I wanted this to change I had to change.
I had to change the way I talked to myself. The way I thought of myself. Was I a freelance artist or the world's whipping girl? Was I the boss or was I giving that title to someone else? Was I cheap labor or was I the "get it done beautifully" talent I strived to be and should be paid as such.
Why are we so mean to ourselves?
A whole lifetimes conditioning of being a drone bee is hard to shake.
But Im happy to report the shift DID happen. I put on my nametag stating HELLO MY NAME IS: THE BOSS. If things aren't worthy of my time I have a big NO to kindly throw in its direction. Im giving myself the kindness I put out into the Universe daily.
Now my work doesn't seem like work- its a pleasure to create and be well compensated for by people who value me as an artist and person- not cheap labor. I won't please everyone and that's OK. I will attract and work with the "good ones", they are out there. I have met them. I have worked for them.
I have shifted into my new form as all good caterpillars must. I didn't do it alone, I have many awesome people to thank.
I hope everyone finds "the shift" and starts having kinder dialogues with themselves. "You are worth more. Don't sell yourself short." I heard this for years and nodded along with it but never internalized it and put it to practice. Now let's see what these wings can do...lets buy shampoo and soap and live a little. ☺ 

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