Never lost

 

Appropriate to my mood

I guess it's appropriate to be full on in the gloomy mood of Sorrow- as I work daily with Death in the Dia de Los Muertos exhibition. 

My hand paints skulls, death grins and the life that springs forth from it. Death is never just death and the absence of life. It is very much alive in many ways. My recent blogs may seem like absolute bummers and they are- to an extent- but know that I have a healthy relationship with death, depression and healing. There is something comforting in knowing that you are feeling.... And feeling deeply. It's a very amazing gift of being human, although it hurts. How very magical!

There are times in life where the trauma makes you feel nothing. I remember having no joy in life for anything and feeling like I was on autopilot as a human. Go to work, act normal, nothing made me happy, nothing made me sad. A complete flatline of feelings. Not a real human. I hated it. 

All that was after a trauma of a bad breakup once upon a time. And for the longest time I couldn't cry, for the life of me... Could not cry. I was worried something broke inside of me. And it did. My heart.

Eventually I became a human again. And now for the life of me I can't stop the tears and they come easily. I'm taking solace in the comfortable feeling that I am feeling deeply again. A real human with a real breaking heart that will probably break over and over again.  

I will lose many things, pets and people, loves, family and friends in life..."lose" being a silly word. They are not lost, in fact they are safer than ever they have been. You know right where they are now, always. 

Inside that breaking heart.