The weekend was going well until the very sad event unfolded. I have been taking care of some stray cats, a mom and kitten. They are feral and have never come within ten feet of me... Yet I still felt a kinship for them and worried over them and fed them. Before the holidays I bought the kitten a bag of toys, different things..a ball, a plush elephant, a tiny fish, a crinkly plastic thing... Kittens are kittens and all kittens deserve toys. I was delighted that she loved the toys. I would find them in odd places of the yard. One day a planter, the next a bird bath. I watched her throw the toys up in the air and carry them away. She and Mom were usually together but as she got a little older she wasn't always with mom when mom came to eat. This worried me.
The freezes we had worried me too and I put hot water bottles out and spare blankets were tucked under the shed where they were seen a lot.
They always came out the next morning and I became a little less fearful, maybe they could actually take care of themselves without me worrying so much.
It was with a little shock when I went to feed them that I could see a little white paw through the fence slats. Surely the kitten just didn't hear me and is about to run. But sadly as I got closer and the paw didn't move I knew my kitten was gone. She was laying lifeless near where I would feed them, beautiful blue eyes slightly open. I figure she must have been gone for about a day. There was no sign of trauma on her body, no blood or broken bones. She was clean, so clean. For a cat that lived outside, impeccably clean. I figured her mom must've taken care of her. Cleaned her and possibly even brought her here.
Mom cat was nearby and seemed to have already accepted what to me was a giant punch in the gut and heart. I still sensed protectiveness and grief in the air. I pulled the little kitten into my side of the yard and petted her finally and told her nice things. I mainly felt so sad at her youth. I've lost so many cats but it's the young ones that hurt so much. It's not fair, it's not fair...I think. Knowing full well that there is no such thing as fair and unfair. There is only life and death and our acceptance that these things must be.
She was buried with her toys that I could find, near the garden she liked to play in... and flowers will be planted over her to fully return her to the natural cosmos we all belong to. I fed Mama cat every couple of hours because it was all I knew to do to maybe make a cat feel better. Mom has been hanging close and seems as Zen as all cats seem to be. A male cat I always suspected was the Dad has been hanging out quietly near Mama cat.
I watched some Thich Nhat Hahn talks and remembered to "be in the moment". It helps ease the pain to remember the bigger purpose. To me this wasn't just a stray cat died and I'm sad about it. I try to find the meaning and lesson in things. To me this was a reminder to be joyful and happy, like the kitten who brought me delight. Enjoy the sun in the moment of sun. Enjoy the warmth of the one you are with when it's freezing outside. Be there in that moment playing with your toys, delight in what's in front of you. The kitten spirit was reminding me of things I thought I lost. It also reminded me that no matter how busy you are chasing this thing or that - the real gift is in compassion for others and service for others. Even if they are cats you are feeding and loving from afar. Unconditional love, I didn't need the cats to love me back I was just happy to help them in their lives.
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