Skip to main content

The Shift

Im not sure what the pivotal moment was that I made "the shift", but it happened. It was a long time coming and long overdue. I began realizing the way I "talked to myself"...not in the crazy person sense (actually talking to yourself is pretty normal 😂) ...but in the way I downgraded my abilities and worth. Always to please others and stay in good graces even though it hurt me financially and emotionally. I would say "yes" to the cheapest price, "yes" to the work even though it really didn't serve me but would stress me out and overwhelm me. When my inner voice protested I told it to shut up- that at all costs we must bend over backwards for everyone.
I soon found myself in a joyless cycle of work that barely paid, handing over paintings I barely laid eyes on and sliding the money directly over to my landlord without even seeing it or enjoying it. Autopilot. Nothing nice for me. Out of soap and shampoo? Oh well. Luxury items. Glad to pay the rent, no doubt- but joyless and knowing I shortchanged myself.
Doing work that disappeared without compensation. Realizing that if I wanted this to change I had to change.
I had to change the way I talked to myself. The way I thought of myself. Was I a freelance artist or the world's whipping girl? Was I the boss or was I giving that title to someone else? Was I cheap labor or was I the "get it done beautifully" talent I strived to be and should be paid as such.
Why are we so mean to ourselves?
A whole lifetimes conditioning of being a drone bee is hard to shake.
But Im happy to report the shift DID happen. I put on my nametag stating HELLO MY NAME IS: THE BOSS. If things aren't worthy of my time I have a big NO to kindly throw in its direction. Im giving myself the kindness I put out into the Universe daily.
Now my work doesn't seem like work- its a pleasure to create and be well compensated for by people who value me as an artist and person- not cheap labor. I won't please everyone and that's OK. I will attract and work with the "good ones", they are out there. I have met them. I have worked for them.
I have shifted into my new form as all good caterpillars must. I didn't do it alone, I have many awesome people to thank.
I hope everyone finds "the shift" and starts having kinder dialogues with themselves. "You are worth more. Don't sell yourself short." I heard this for years and nodded along with it but never internalized it and put it to practice. Now let's see what these wings can do...lets buy shampoo and soap and live a little. ☺ 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Jim Rockford was keeping me broke

Ah Rockford files, a comfortable and silly way to unwind after work. Yes, I am completely aware that I've turned into my Dad and watching Dad shows totally cements that theory. I had to start looking at the handsome James Garner in a new light though... He was a rich and famous star in his time and every evening spent curled up watching Rockford Files was an evening a painting wasn't getting worked on. No painting, no art show material. No painting, no galleries. No painting, no money. Would James Garner be watching TV every evening in a tired drowsy ball and not getting stuff done? Probably not.  So I pulled myself away from TV land in the evenings and devoted at least a little time in the mornings as well. Even if it's just ten minutes. Even if you are just filling in all the blacks, blues or whatever... It is progress. Something is better than nothing. I'm proud to say this little habit tweak has totally kicked my butt into gear and I'm producing at a rate I'

How I had the best art year

  This was the year I got rejection letters from every open call I applied to. Granted, it wasn't very many I applied to because I am very picky about what I sign up for AND I am also very jaded about these things of late.  However, this was my best art year to date and I kinda love that it was all rejection notices this year and I STILL HAD THE BEST ART YEAR EVER. Takeaway: Today's open calls are very "agenda based" and the jurors they choose to judge have their agendas. Some want more millennials and younger artists and shun the older artists, some want you to tackle race, gender identity, politics, feminist, pro this or that.... And my art does not. I'm going to stick by  my "Nature is more important than most bullshit" stance till I die because the very atom of life and Nature is more important in my eyes than most of the stuff humans do to feel more important than another group.  But I digress! I did not get into the velvet rope clubs and it was gre

The Backstory- cliff notes edition

  Skip navigation  little backstory I was totally working for myself as an artist and you know what? It was HARD! Harder than hard and harder than any job ever. But it was the most rewarding experience and I learned so much about so many things and I want to share that knowledge with you guys... My VIP art club. I didn't get a fair shake from the very beginning of my art career. I suffered a back injury at my "muggle" job which required a lot of physical therapy to get over and which I will have with me forever now. It was actually the impetus for me to quit my job and start being an artist! So I turned my bad luck into fuel for my fire. I saved 5k (painstakingly while enduring all the BS at a terrible job) and then I made the leap. I was so excited and optimistic about working for myself! I had sold little pieces here and there and was sure it was only upwards from there. 2 weeks into my freedom- my Dad died unexpectedly. What came next was indescribable DEPRESSION and a