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Going in

I get told that I inspire people pretty often. How cool is that? But at some point I lost a connection with it all.
 I never got told I inspire people when I worked behind a cash register. And the boxes I used to handle when I did shipping and receiving never said "hey you really inspire me". In fact, that was a really dark time in my life because I wasn't being ME and I wasnt putting anything into the world. I was going through the motions of a workerbee. And a workerbee wasn't what I was meant to be.
This photo from a few years ago popped up and I did the "oh yeeeah"...I had forgotten all the little victories. New York. Good Morning Texas. Getting published. Getting interviewed. Getting into shows. Selling the big paintings, selling the small paintings. All the people who grew with me.
I lost the connection somewhere in fighting to survive in a city that's becoming unaffordable to me. I lost the connection somewhere in fighting my body for health and a quality of life. 
I lost the connection.
I lost the joy.
So this weekend Im going INWARD to find that place again...where I left off...like a book I was in the middle of. Im going to look at art books and remember my heroes and why we do this-because we have to. Im going to paint something new and maybe not show anyone because its for me and doesn't need a price tag. I'm going to play my bass because Im also a musician and that part of me feels strangled with my E string. 
Im going to remember creating for creatings sake without a thought to "the public" or "marketing" or "instagrammable photos". 
Im going to be authenticly Patricia Rodriguez. I'm going to dig her out of the junkyard world she got buried in.
Im going to breathe fresh air back into her battle scarred lungs and set her on her feet. She inspired people once.
She will do it again. 
Yesterdays test result wasn't an "ok you're free to keep wasting time" kinda test result. It was "you don't have cancer TODAY so use your time wisely". It could be me at any time. It could be you at any time. Use your time wisely...and by damn, enjoy life again!


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